Has there been a gruesome death to a loved one and you don't know what to do with the horribly disfigured body?
Don't mask it,
Clasket!
What is a Clasket?
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| A Clasket |
Who invented the Clasket?
The primary religion of the populous at the time was
Christianity, however, there was a small cult of woodworkers named “Claskethians”
who had differing beliefs. It was due to these beliefs that the Claskethian
people were persecuted and enslaved by the overpowering Christians. Their
slavemasters would make them chop firewood, and do menial labor throughout the
property. One noble, Edward McHiggles, was famous for having literally hundreds
of Claskethian slaves. One day, Mr. McHiggles died from a severe case of irritable
bowel syndrome. His wife, Norma Mchiggles, was too emotional to deal with the
death of her lover, so she told his slaves to handle the body. The Claskethians
were disgusted by the corpse, and did not want to touch their master’s dead body.
Of course, this was before the invention of the casket, so at the time it was
customary for the carcass to be held in the arms of his inferiors during a
funeral ceremony. The slaves deliberated over what to do, until coming upon a
decision. They grabbed pitchforks, and lifted Edward into a nearby crate, so that
they would not have to touch his body. They
quickly realized, however, that Ol’ McHiggles was an honorable, and well
respected man, and that perhaps making a half empty crate of manure his final
resting place may not be well received by the public. They then realized that
they could simply hand craft a much more elegant, and majestic box for
McHiggles to be buried in, and that, perhaps, others may be fond of that idea. They
named this box the ”Crate of Death”*(see below). At the funeral, this crate was placed on a
table that they made, directly in front of the podium from which speeches were
given. Now, Sir Edward McHiggles was very famous man, and nearly everyone knew of him, but nobody really knew him. You see, Edward was a recluse, of
sorts, him and his wife hardly ever spoke, and all he did was stay in his
cabin, and flip his hermit crabs upside down. “Why did he have so many slaves
if that was all he did?”, you may be asking yourself, but you see, McHiggles
had a lot of hermit crabs. Now there was nothing wrong with Eddy’s lifestyle,
but when many dignitaries were asked to speak at his funeral, it created a
problem, because nobody knew what to talk about. So when these prestigious men
stepped up to that podium, all that any of them could find to speak of was the
beautiful box that Edward McHiggles was to be buried in. In fact, the last man to
speak, Sir Mortimer Loin, commended the Claskethians who made the crate. He called
up one of the Claskethians to ask him what the box was called. After he told
the dignitary the name of his contraption, Sir Loin ignored it, being that he
was an important man, and that he was talking to a lowly slave, and decided that
he would call it a “Clasket”. He made a simple word association from “Claskethian”
to “Clasket”, and thus, one of the most used inventions in the history of man,
was named. Since that day the Clasket continued to popularize, and although
some have made variations to its true appearance and pronunciation, the real
Clasket survives in Eastern Europe.
*Crate of Death was a termed used by many to describe the Clasket, until in 1973 the name was trade marked by Coney Island. The Crate-O-Death™ roller
coaster was designed to be a very exciting ride, however, it violated all but two of modern day safety regulations, and took seventeen lives on the ride’s maiden voyage. The ride was promptly shut down after a month of service, and nearly 2,000 “unrelated” deaths.
Where can I buy a Clasket?
Claskets may be bought directly from this website, by paying
through a PayPal account, or you can call our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-Clasket,
where operators are standing by to answer your questions! And remember,
